Getting down to it..

This will be another stroke update, and I have to say that I'm tired of giving them. It will be seventeen months ago in a few days, and it seems like a lifetime. I decided today to start assembling all the heart and stroke related blog posts over the last five years into a single document. I couldn't help but read what I had written so long ago; when you take it all in at once it's overwhelming.

This month marks another anniversary of sorts - the retrial/pretrial  of Robert Deer and Mohamed Ali Karim for Jack Beauchamp's murder (Debra, his wife, is my cousin). They had their first court appearance on February 25th - where absolutely nothing was decided except to reconvene on March 11th. Jack's murder was one of the big reasons Laura and I decided to sell the house, take a leave of absence, and tour around the country in the summer of 2006. Turns out that we had to postpone the trip a couple of months due to my heart surgery, but we did manage to get away that fall for a few months.

Our second big opportunity to check out for a while came in the fall of 2009. I had been let go at Agilent Technologies (at my request) and were about to attend Debra's daughter's wedding in Calgary and then start touring south again for a few months. We're still waiting. My stroke happened before the wedding, and has basically put our plans on hold till now - actually, till this coming autumn. Life gets in the way of big plans, and we've certainly had our share of "life" thrown at us.

So, on to the stroke update. There's been considerable progress on a couple of fronts since Christmas. I've now been asked a number of times what my accent is - they're listening to my voice and figure that English must be my second language. I've thanked the people who've said this to me - being mistaken for ESL is a huge step for me. Walking has also improved quite a bit. At Christmas time, I seemed to be stuck at about the 3km distance - but lately I've been able to push it to almost 7km (at which point, I just can't walk anymore). The progress is slow, but it appears to be steady.

On the sleep front, tonight will be a big night for me. I've finally weaned down the Ativan to the point where I'll be alternating .25mg - 0mg for a couple of weeks, before finally being rid of this nasty stuff forever. Tonight is the first night at 0mg. I probably won't sleep, but I know that getting off this drug is a gigantic step. Once the Ativan is gone forever, I'm hopeful that sleep returns (likely masked by rebound insomnia from Ativan withdrawal), speech improves, and life gets back to normal.

The Sky Is Falling?

This is not a Pollyanna piece. I look around and see many short-term issues that seem to be coalescing into an economic tsunami - a double dip recession if you will. I'm surprised that it hasn't already happened .. I think all the signs are there. I think the single biggest factor in all of this, is no matter how a government tries to stimulate spending (remember, the economy only moves when people and businesses spend money), we aren't. This has been called a jobless recovery in the USA (a few more jobs here in Canada). Business is making money by saving money. Payroll money. Doing more with less. At some point, they can't do this anymore - you run out of people to cut from their payroll. People who are afraid for their jobs, or are saving for retirement, don't spend a lot of money. These two factors alone are the prime movers (or lack thereof) in our economy today.

In Canada, the picture seems a bit rosier that to our neighbor to the south. I don't think we're immune, though. Here are some other reasons for my short term hedging:


Baby-Boomers
The baby-boomers are now in their late 40's to early 60's. They are not supposed to be buying stuff. They are already in the largest home their likely to own, have acquired most everything they want, and are now thinking about their retirement (if they haven't already retired). What does this mean? Saving. They shouldn't be spending like they used to, and are expected to save like never before to make sure there's enough for a secure retirement. All this sounds pretty compelling, right? But when you actually look at the data, what you see is a different story. Our personal savings rate has gone down (last year and last quarter). It was between 4 and 6%, but now it's 3.3%. Our personal expenditures on consumer goods are up as well, even though our disposable income has gone down. This doesn't make sense, unless you think that the average baby-boomer Canadian still thinks the good times will continue and keeps on spending?

Transportation
The price of oil is now $91.66 per barrel. The price at the pump (average in Vancouver) was $1.21/liter in January 2011. It's gone up last last day or two to over $1.25/liter. The forecasted price of oil in the next several months sees further increases. This will have an impact on our driving culture, much as it did in the summer of 2007 (when everybody was buying a hybrid) - actually, the price should exceed those of 2007.

Unemployment
Canada seems to be shockingly immune to the rampant unemployment south of the border. But for how long? Although the unemployment rate seems relatively steady around 8%, this is still a statistically high number. Many of the gains in new jobs are split (almost 50/50) between full-time and part-time, and the winners tend to be women over 55. I think, that as this recession continues on without real improvement in the economy of our largest trading partner, we'll see an effect on the jobless rate.

Debt
We all know the disastrous debt that countries like Italy, Greece, Iceland and Portugal have. We also know about the USA and Britain. But what about Canada? Did you know, that measured as public debt per person ($36K) or public debt as percentage of GPD (82.5%) that we're worse off than the UK or the USA? Not as bad as Iceland or Italy - but we're on our way.

Bank Earnings

As he says in this Calgary Herald piece today, Reuters reporter Cameron French talks about "sluggish lending growth and weaker trading revenue" with the big six Canadian Banks. While commercial lending remains robust, personal loans are almost non-existent, with higher interest rates and low demand - people are paying off debt, not acquiring more.

How To Boil A Frog and Tony Robbins

Over the weekend, I watched "How To Boil A Frog". It's an environmental movie, but not in the same vein as "An Inconvenient Truth". More like Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. It mixes a Save-The-Planet message with humor, and it answers the difficult question - "everything seems so dire - so what could I possibly do to make a difference?". Turns out, there are five things you can do today to make said difference. I watched the first half of the movie without much impact. Then, as I watched the second half, I became much more interested after realizing that the host/writer/producer (Jon Cooksey) was from Vancouver! He filmed local actions and local consequences - who'd have thought that a few activists could reverse a decision about coal-fired power plants (BC Hydro)? Or which gas station we should avoid to start changing oil company behavior (ESSO)? It's really worth watching - next time is March 23 on HBO-Canada (or I have a copy on my PVR, but you'd have to come over here to watch it). If enough people are interested, I'll buy a copy of the DVD and lend it out - let me know.

Then, after scrolling through a few links in the "How To Boil A Frog" website, I came across two videos from Tony Robbins (below). I'm no Tony Robbins fan, but these two (actually it's one video cut into two parts - about 24 minutes in total), are maybe the extra push I've needed to make some further financial decisions (ie: no, I'm not insane - there are other people out there that think like me). At any rate - Robbins talks about the economic and demographic powers at play right now; watch - or don't - at your own peril.

Third time's a charm?

I'm hesitant to write any of this down - my brother Rob likes to say "you make plans - God laughs". Not that he's especially religious, but in two previous attempts our planned trips have been postponed or cancelled outright due to my health. The first time in 2006 - open heart surgery, and again in 2009 - the stroke. I hope that this time there won't be anything in the way.

I walked the furthest I've gone since the stroke (some sixteen months ago) to the library and back for a total of 6.8km. I know this isn't much, but compared to the 3km at Christmas time, it's monumental for me. On the walk home, for no reason, I got inspired to think about what Laura and I should do next. A couple of posts ago, I kicked around the boat idea. If I really think about it though, owning another boat would likely cause all kinds of unintended stress - financial and otherwise. It also complicates things like owning a house, a trailer, and a truck. Two of them would have to go. During the walk I thought about what we could do with the time we've got and the stuff we already own. There are a few considerations:

• Laura finishes school the end of June.
• Laura needs to get in 500 hours of teaching ECE before she gets certified..
• The truck has another year of after market warranty available to us.
• The USA is a big place with lots of places in the sun for the winter. 

So, here's the plan - subject to change of course:

• Laura finishes up her school for the end of June.
• I work on three projects in the interim - an ECE blog, this personal blog, and a book.
• We put plates back on the truck May 15th - just in time for a Deception Pass trip May 19th.
• Laura gets work for July-October to get her 500 hours.
• Cable TV gets cut June 1st - the summer is reruns anyways.
• This summer, I spend time in the Airstream getting it ready for a big trip. This involves batteries, solar panels, water and cellphone/Intenet access while on the road. WiFi in trailer parks is normally pretty bad, and we plan on spending a large amount of time boondocking (one way to see the world and cut some costs). 
• We leave for six months starting either October or November.
• Dave comes home in November, and can look after the house.
• We come home in March or April, and Laura looks for a job (until October, when we do it all again?).

I would normally qualify for EI starting November this year, and this trip would mean that I would forgo the government money in exchange for some freedom. I think the trade off is a good one. The winters here in Vancouver are too hard on me, and being anywhere in Canada for those cold, rainy (snow) days holds no attraction.

Alpha - last time

Last night (Thursday) was the last time I'll attend the Alpha Course. The reasons for this should come as no surprise to those that know me and how stubborn I am in my opinions.

The course was actually Session Five of the program: "Why And How Do I Pray?". I was ready for Session Four, which would have been "How Can We Have Faith?", but due to some scheduling difficulty with the weekend retreat, and the natural flow of the lectures themselves, the Church had to reorganize the actual delivery of the sessions. The sessions themselves are as follows:

1. Is There More To Life Than This?
2. Who Is Jesus?
3. Why Did Jesus Die?
4. How Can We Have Faith?
5. Why And How Do I Pray?
6. Why And How Should I Read The Bible?
7. How Does God Guide Us?
8. Who Is The Holy Spirit?
9. What Does The Holy Spirit Do?
10. How Can I Be Filled With The Spirit?
11. How Can I Resist Evil?
12. Why And How Should I Tell Others?
13. Does God Heal Today?
14. What About The Church?
15. How Can I Make The Most Of The Rest Of My Life?

We started the evening as before, with a meal. This time, they served me salmon (everyone else had a pork dish, I think). Again, as before, it was great - and they went out of their way to make sure my flexatarian dietary needs were met. There was no real conversation about tonight's topic around the dinner table, as it was mostly chit-chat about Saskatchewan farmers and who had lived where ... it seems everyone has either lived or knows someone from Outlook, SK. We had two men at our table from the Ressurection House, and Harry wasn't there this evening - so I was on my own.

After dinner, we went into the sanctuary and, after a joke, sung two modern hymns (in my opinion, not very catchy, but everybody seemed to know the words). After the hymns, the pre-recorded lecture from Nicky Gumbel started. The lecture itself lasted about fifty minutes, and was all about prayer - how to do it, when to do it, and why to do it. For me, the progression of the course itself was quite fast. It seemed to glance upon many of the contentious issues, and assume that you had already bought their arguments - so it was time to move on. The more I see of the lectures, the more the progression seems obvious. In sales jargon, we would call it the "assumptive close".

After the lectures we went back to the auditorium for dessert and discussion. The questions John had for us tonight were:

• Do you pray? If so, why?
• How do you know God answered a particular prayer and that it wasn’t just coincidence?
• When you pray, are you 100% certain that your prayers will be answered?  If yes, why?  If no, why?
• When you do pray, what do you usually pray for?  Do you pray for what you want or what you need? What does that say about your life?
• If God knows everything you need, then why do you pray?
• Can you think of a time or know of an incident where prayer really did change circumstances?

Ron (at our table) told the story of his brother, who was killed in a car accident just after Christmas 2010, not even two months ago. He was obviously distressed when talking about it, as the wound is still fresh. He is firm in his belief that he will see his brother again when he, himself, dies. That belief gives him, and his brothers widow, solace. They do not know why he died, but are confident that a bigger plan is at work here. If you're interested in seeing how someone with a very deep belief copes with this kind of grief (his widow now has four children to raise), her blog is here.  I talked to Ron briefly after the session, and I commented to him about how I've had people close to me die as well, and that writing about it - even if only in a journal that nobody will ever read - is cathartic. Writing in a blog is courageous.

I have some comments to make about my friend John, and the whole reason I went to Alpha (at his urging). John has made the comment in the past that "Funny how we can share about a good meal we had, but we can't share about the single greatest event in a person's life.". He is clearly passionate about this, and he's reorganized his priorities to make this the most important thing he can do (at least that's how I see it). It is not in conflict with his situation at all - in fact it is complementary in most ways (except for the "Got Jesus" shirt John - I've been looking for a "Got Darwin" shirt for myself, but have yet to find one ... Atheists are just not that well organized). As for morality, living a respectful life, decency or having empathy - I'm not convinced that he or his brethren have any clear advantage to me. They will say that they have a clear pathway to God, but I choose not to believe in that path or that god. For every reason they have for believing, I have one for not. They believe their reasons are more compelling, I believe mine are. And never the twain shall meet. They do have one up on me, though; they firmly believe that this is not all there is - and that there is a bigger plan and a better place. 

John is respectful of my opinions to the point where he defends my right to have them ... we had a conversation last night where my beliefs were held in "disbelief" by one of the men, and John, to his credit, said that "I was perfectly capable of explaining my position". Thanks, Johnny.

I've said this before and I'll say it again; I'm not going to change what the Church members think, and they're not going to change what I think. The motives for going to Alpha in the first place was to try and find some insight into what these folks actually believe. In my short time there I understand that their faith/belief is unconditional, that they believe God plays an active role in their lives, and can explain away anything and everything - mostly by trusting that an entity much bigger than us knows and cares about us, and will always do things in our best long term interests.  I guess I'm more comfortable in my position saying "I just don't know -  and maybe, probably, I'll never know".

We never got into the more interesting things, and by the looks of the course we never would. Things like evolution, homosexuality, the role of women, the hypocrisy of some Christian leaders, etc. I would throw down this challenge, though. If anyone would like to talk about this in a non-judgmental way, count me in. The one thing I have taken away from all of this is that I really like the opportunity to talk and debate this taboo topic, knowing that I can walk away and (I hope) leave nobody feeling hurt.

I Think I Have An Infection...

Laura and I braved the cold and the rain, and went to the Vancouver Boat Show yesterday (Saturday). We spent some time at the on-the-water show across from Granville Island (under the Granville Street bridge), and then took the shuttle down to the Trade and Convention Center for the indoors part of the show.

Benateau Oceanis 50

Laura was quite attracted to the Benateau Oceanis 50, which is a floating Yaletown condo, but I'm not so sure it's really a bluewater boat (which is what I'd like). Oh, and it's also $450,000 more than I have. When we first learned to sail, our captain (Davis) called Beneteau's "Bend-In-Twos". That's stuck with the both of us, and I note that they're not listed in John Neal's extensive list of real bluewater sailoats.

Tayana 37 Pilothouse

We also saw a broker ad for a Tayana 37 Pilothouse at the show. The boat is over in Victoria, but I think that the overall size of the craft would make it harder for one person to single hand - it has electric winches because of the large sail area - so if the electricity ever fails (always at the wrong possible moment), you're screwed. These boats aren't listed in John Neal's list either, but there's an extensive organization that talks about the Tayana's as the very best of breed.

Pacific Seacraft(PS) 31

At the end of the day, what I'd  really like is a small, well proven cruising boat that comes recommended by almost everybody (including Neal). One that you can resell when you're done for most of what you paid for it. And doesn't need any modifications. And that doesn't need any repairs (both of our previous boats needed repairs and modifications, as well as losing money). For years and years, I keep coming back to two Pacific Seacraft boats - the Dana 24 and the PS-31. Note the small size. Less to go wrong, less to bottom paint. Less to moor. There's a man in France (Benji) who's living on his Dana - has crossed the Atlantic a few times, done the canals of Europe, and sailed the Med. Sounds good to me.

The Alpha Course - Week 3

I hope they don't mind me stealing the logo ... oops, that's a sin.

This is the second week I've attended the Alpha Course, and this week (actually the third in a sequence of ten sessions) was entitled "Why Did Jesus Die?".

In this post, I'll write more about our discussions, and less about the actual lecture. If you'd like to see the content of the actual lecture, you'll have to borrow the book from me (tried to find the content on line, but no luck). The crux of the lecture is "Jesus died for our sins", and "everyone is a sinner".

The Process
We gathered again at 6:15pm in the auditorium of the Lutheran Church (do they buy extra insurance if they know I'll be there?), and had a buffet style dinner again. Tonight it was chicken with a curry sauce (I think, as I didn't have any) and once again they prepared me a special, vegetarian version of what they were having - it was excellent. John actually went back to the kitchen to find out what it was that I had, and gave me the empty package - I'll be tempted (is that a sin?) to go find it in the grocery store. As a side note, one of the men asked me at the table if I was French, because of the ESL like speech. I was thrilled - explaining what had happened, and if people thought I was simply speaking a language not my own that was progress! Once dinner was done we went into the sanctuary and started the sessions by singing two modern hymns (is this considered worship?). The singing is followed up by the recorded video session of Nicky Gumbel talking today about the death of Jesus. This lasted for forty minutes or so. Once the video was over, and Nicki says a prayer to end it, we all reassembled back in the auditorium where dessert was ready for us. Tonight, again it was excellent - I think some kind of raspberry crumble with whipped cream. My pancreas was working overtime to keep up. After we had  finished up the dessert, the conversation started.

A side note I still can't understand. This is directly from the Alpha website: "Alpha is both an effective evangelistic tool for those who are investigating Christianity for the first time, and a means for churchgoers to deepen their faith." If you're investigating Christianity for the first time, whether you're Jewish or Muslim or Buddhist or Non-Theist, you'd find the initial "worship/singing" and the final prayer to be somewhat intimidating (to be honest, Nicky does have a disclaimer with his prayer - he says "if you're comfortable saying it, say it out loud or to yourself"). I think if Alpha is hoping to evangelize people like me, they've got to tone down on the assumption that you want to pray, sing, or be sermoned to (at least disclaim the above and acknowledge that not everyone there might not believe).

The Conversation
I had told myself that I would do more listening than talking tonight, and I held fast by that for the first two minutes ... then I couldn't help but interject. The first question John asked (John was the moderator of our table) was "What is your interpretation of sin?". We tossed around several ideas - that it was the list of rules in the Ten Commandments, or that it was much more than that, and pervasive in the bible. My feeling (it's my blog, so I get to write my feelings) is that it is simply "anything that hurts anyone else", and was passed down through time (long, long before the Bible) as the only effective way to have people live in communities. I guess the biblical inverse version of this is "love your neighbor as yourself".  That doesn't really cover it though, as it makes it more than "convenient" to hate your enemy. I like my version better.

A very interesting, difficult situation came up during this conversation. If you were in Afghanistan, and your wife was at home - and you had an affair that she would never know about - is that a sin? I think the answer would still be yes ... because you would be hurting your wife whether she knew or not ... your attitude would change, affecting the relationship.

Harry brought up the current case in front of our secular judicial system - the community of Bountiful. We see polygamy as wrong - but by whose standard? If the person being "hurt" doesn't see themselves as being hurt, then what sin (or crime) is committed. Very tricky. So there were two good observations in this dialog that cause you to think. I would say that the Christian community sees the answers to these questions as black and white. I think them more a massive grey.

We had a couple of more questions involving the word "sin" (being addictive and destructive, and some local examples), and we went round and round the table with discussion. We talked briefly about the degradation of society's rules over the years (rolling stops at stop signs - funny, I've been watching reruns of Adam-12 from the early seventies and half their stops seem to be for rolling through stop signs - so hardly a new phenomena), the ruthlessness of the younger gangs, and others. I submit that some of this (not all) is due to us hearing about everything today. We never hear about good people. Only about bad ones. I don't know any bad ones, and the good ones are better than I ever was. I also learned over the years that people do what works. Period. Oh, and all people are selfish. We're wired that way.

Real-life virtue?
A final example of a tough moral question closed out the night. This was a real world dilemma presented by someone at our table involving someone else (not there). The someone else was the CFO of a small company, and through accounting trickery had stolen hundreds of thousands of dollars to feed a gambling addiction. He eventually confessed to the CEO, and the case is moving through the courts as we speak. The police and his lawyers have all confided to him that he would never have been caught if he had not confessed. Even now, without confession, his lawyers feel they could get him off. He has said this is not good enough - he is guilty and will submit to his punishment. This situation was held up as virtuous because of the confession of his sin, and of the refusal to avoid punishment.

I am not so generous. While I would say that it is exemplary for the CFO to take what's coming without compromise, I hardly see this as a Christian virtue. It's plain and simple the right thing to do. Why did this man not confess his transgressions at $100,000? Or at $1000? Or at $1. It's all the same to me. Or perhaps seek help when he knows that this addiction has control over him. It seems to me that you cannot pay for your indiscretions by simply confessing and then held up as virtuous (this gets me to thinking of the reformation of the Catholic Church, where Martin Luther railed against indulgences). Fortunately, in our secular system, you do not pay for transgressions with forgiveness. You pay for them with punishment - I don't think that having an addiction excuses your behavior. It doesn't in any other facet of your life.  I'll admit, this is a tough one, but I hardly see this as an example of virtuousness.

In Closing
With that, the evening ended. They're having a full day session on February 26th at Minnekhada Lodge (not far). They will be showing three videos throughout the day, and will have time to reflect or decompress or whatever. I will pass on the weekend, as a couple of hours of the orthodoxy is about as much as I can take at one time.

I have to ask myself what am I hoping to accomplish with this little endeavor? To learn about Jesus (I think I know quite enough, thank you - although Christians would say I don't know him at all)? To be evangelized into changing my belief system (won't happen)? To understand what makes Christians tick (I'm beginning to understand)?

Here's my current interpretation (subject to change, but I'm pretty sure about this):

• People crave knowledge - it's how we're wired. It's what has gotten us from monkeys in trees to sending probes to Mars. 
• We are afraid of the dark - we want a convincing story about what's happening when we can't see it for ourselves. 
• We like rules - then we know what to do and when to do it - this provides the structure that we crave. 
• We want to know what happens when we die. 

Christianity (actually - every religion or creation myth) answers this. Science does too. Actually, science has answered many more questions in the last ten years than religion has in the last 10,000. And I think you can have morality without the supernatural.

I'll go at least one more time to Alpha, but again I don't know what I really expect to get out of it. I do really like the opportunity to debate this stuff - it's generally not done in polite society, so it's a pleasure to do it with permission! I wish the evenings were longer, actually. I get much more our of the debate, than I ever do out of the lecture.

Financial aid?

My old friend from high school in Rupert (John L) is a rep for The Investors Group.  In a few months, John has provided a fair bit of insight and advice to me and Laura - and I thought I knew more than most about this stuff. He was always one of the smartest guys I knew (we were on "Reach For The Top" together in 1978), and is looking for a relevant topic for an evening presentation he's interested in hosting. At first blush, when he asked me, I thought of "Estate Planning For People Who Have Parents Who Don't Talk About Money". After thinking about this for a bit, though, I thought "there are a few of you that read this blog, so why not ask you?". If you could get some financial or estate planning information, and it wouldn't cost you anything, what would it be?

Knock, knock - who's there?

No one would ever accuse me of being a "Polyanna" about the state of the world. I see dozens of signs of movement on the horizon that will likely change the way the West now works. Seems to me that we've been living the good life for more than half a century now, and our time for a massive reset is overdue. The recent global recession is only a preamble.

You may think I'm being overly pessimistic about this, but hear me out:

Unsustainable amounts of debt
The Western World has insurmountable debt problems that most politicians clearly don't want to talk about in any serious way - to do so would be career suicide. Take a look at the Economists Global Debt Clock. If you believe that because you live in Canada and we're rich with resources we have nothing to worry about - compare our debt with the USA's? How about Greece (which is already in the process of Government austerity programs and a bail our from the European Union)? The truth is, we're worse off than the US, and almost as bad as Greece, Ireland and Iceland. The latter three are on life support, and it's only a matter of time before the US is in critical care - if it's not already. Pay special attention to the debt to GDP ratio, and the debt per person. (As for Canada's rich natural resources - I suspect that they're the next commodity to get caught up in a bubble.)

Rampant, widespread unemployment
The official unemployment numbers issued by governments are misleading. They fail to count the people who have dropped off the unemployment benefit rolls, and they count people who have lost full-time employment and have found part-time jobs. I've heard the official US unemployment rate is 9.0% for January 2011. The unofficial number is much higher at somewhere between 16 and 22%. If we believe the higher number, that's almost a quarter of the workforce.  In Canada, the official rate is better at 7.8% (January 2011). The unofficial rate is hard to find (I guess nobody takes a this seriously), but I have to imagine it's higher - maybe not at USA levels, but higher. When I look at the 20-somethings in my life, I don't know of a single one who's employed at the same level I was when I was their age. This is not their fault - my son took a job teaching English in Korea because there were no jobs here in Vancouver. My daughter is back in school getting a teaching degree, along with the BA she already has. She might be able to find work (part-time, Teacher-On-Call) only because she has a few years experience teaching ESL, and she's certified to do so. This is a far cry from (for my parents' generation) graduating from high school and getting a good, well paying job for life. It's even far from my life - graduating with a two-year diploma from BCIT, and getting two consecutive well-paying, education-relevant jobs out of school - one with Northern Telecom and the next twenty-five years with HP/Agilent. Now I'm burdened with the thought that there is no more job for me - I'll have to create one. I'm OK with that - we've made and saved enough over the years. But what about the next generation? Will they ever live the lives their parents had?

Civil Unrest
Have a look at Egypt. Chronic un and under-employment. The upper and middle classes making out like bandits while the lower class continues to be squeezed. Now how about the austerity measures in France? Raising retirement age to 62 causing riots in the streets. How about Britain? Although the tuition tripling for university students still makes education affordable, again people in the streets. How long will it be before the unemployed, debt-ridden, citizens of the US revolt as well (the Tea Party is a very small example)? Doubtful it would happen in Canada in today's situation (we're too polite) - but what about tomorrows?


Global Climate Change
Whether you're a climate change denier (how could you really be - it's about as proven as gravity) or not, it's hard not to notice the changes in the earth's ecosystem. I saw a map over the weekend that showed about 90% of the USA covered in storms. Granted, it's winter, but that was a powerful reminder of the power of nature. These storms and changes result in unintended consequences - cities shut down because of snow, airports closed for days at a time because of weather. Because the economy (a man-made event) is now front and center for our politicians, global climate change is now again on the back-burner, and we're almost past the point of no return.

Chinese and The Long View
I think China is playing a very long, methodical game of chess, while we in the West think we're having a quick game of checkers. Think - the advantages of a managed economy plus no elections to worry about make it easy to justify investing now for payoff a decade or more from now. That's what China is doing now - buying up resources and companies knowing that they'll still be around long after our current round of politicians have left. I don't know that this is a threat to our western way of life, but it sure is a game changer.

Optimism or Pessimism
I really want to be optimistic about our future, but I'm having a hard time seeing the "glimmers of hope" that the pundits talk about. We humans have a knack for avoiding bad stuff, pretending it's not there, until it lands on our doorstep and we have to take care of it. Trouble is that we've let the bad stuff accumulate for such a long time, and have taken only band-aids to the most pressing of them, that it's too late. Mother nature, whether it be the weather or the randomness of the stock market, doesn't care what we think.

Am I a nerd or what?

I got another Netbook yesterday - that makes four for me (and a Mac for Kath, another Netbook for Dave, a laptop for Laura, and another desktop (Linux) for me - so that makes a total of  eight). I'm quite impressed with this later generation of laptops - dual core Intel Atom processors, better video, fast boot up and thirteen hour battery life. It's 3pm today, and I've had this computer running on battery since about 8am this morning. The battery meter says there's still 7.5 hours of life yet. Even if it never gets to the stated thirteen hours, eight is more than enough - and quite a bit better than the two hours I would get out of previous technologies. I've waited a long time before improvements in these types of computers made sense enough to upgrade. Now I add Skype, Open Office, iTunes and Chrome and I'm all set ... for another few months anyways.

Alpha - first time

For many years, my friend John has been inviting me (and others) to their Church's Alpha Course. I finally acquiesced last night. It was actually the second in a series of ten sessions, but I missed the first one - although I caught up by reading the first chapter in their book/course guide. The theme of this session was "Who Is Jesus?".

The evening started at 6:15pm sharp, when we were invited to sit down and have dinner. The meal was prepared by the Lutheran Church people, and they even made me a special, vegetarian version of what everybody else was having (chili). It was good, simple food. I couldn't help but notice that we were sitting at tables - four in all - divided up by gender. I didn't think much of that last night, but this morning I am finding that a bit unusual - maybe it's to keep the men from dominating conversation or intimidating the women?

After the dinner, we were invited into the Church sanctuary for some initial "hymns" and the video presentation of Nicky Gumbel (the current curator of the Alpha movement). I have to say that the initial hymns/songs presuppose that the audience is already a church goer. For someone who doesn't go, and doesn't believe, I find this to be a strange recruitment tactic. A more enlightened reason about the purpose for the songs comes to me later in the session.

Nicky Gumbel is a very charismatic speaker. His arguments for the existence of Jesus, and for him being "the way", are very compelling - but only to an audience who are already fans; "preaching to the choir" comes to mind. Nicky's version of "proof" and my version of "proof" are very different. I found myself fidgeting in my seat whenever he would use the text in the New Testament as "proof" of something claimed in the New Testament. All of the claims of Jesus are documented in one "book" (actually, a collection of books we call the New Testament). No actual person who was living at the time of Christ, outside of this book, ever wrote anything down, even though there were thousands of events to document. Gumbel brings up Josephus and others. These people were born after Jesus died (Josephus, 37AD), and the authorship is now called into question (Josephus' writing about Christ was Christian, although he was actually a zealous Jew). The author Philo was born before Christ, died many years after Jesus' death, and lived in the neighborhood. Not one word from him.

Gumbel talks about "fulfillment of prophesy" as proof that Jesus existed. I can find two problems with this argument - and I never thought about it until last night (so how hard can it be to find problems). First, the New Testament was written after Jesus died. It wouldn't take much editorializing to insert "prophesies" into the text after the fact. Second, there isn't a single "prophesy" in the Old Testament that couldn't be made or fulfilled by a first century man. I see them like horoscopes. So vague and general in their writing, that you can make them fit any event you wish. If he had made a prophesy like "there is a new land across the ocean (North or South America)" - then you'd have something. Or maybe if the Aborigines of Australia knew of Christ before Europeans went there (some 1800 years after the fact).

Overall, after watching Gumbel for about forty minutes, I was ready to stop listening and start talking (even though I don't talk that well). When we sat at our table, I asked for some idea as to the background of everyone there - in the continuum of atheist to committed Christian, I thought it was reasonable to assume that we would all fall somewhere on that spectrum. I was surprised to find out that John's old friend Harry and I were the only two "non-believers", and everybody else was a confirmed, deliberate Christian. Again, I found it strange that people who already believe they know the answer to the big question, and will not "change their minds" because of this event, would attend. John said that many Christians take the course, and many more take it multiple times. I don't get it.

Our conversation was to start around some talking points that John had in front of him. Both Harry and I remained firm in our disbelief, and the rest of the crowd would bring up points as to why they believed. I can't see the logic in their arguments, but Harry and I agree that Christianity is a force to be understood, if not agreed with. I'm trying, but again I just don't get it.

One of the reasons for belief that came out was from John. He said he was impressed by how integrated the New Testament was, and how pieces of a story in one place would make sense, fit, and be expanded on somewhere else. I could explain most of this by a single, originating text for all of the Gospels. John sees these consistencies, whereas the committed Atheists of the world would see inconsistencies all over the place. We would say it's obviously a case of too many writers and not enough editorial control. I believe we only got to half of the prepared questions before the discussion was brought to an end at 8:45pm.

Overall, the evening ended in a stalemate, pretty much as I expected. I'm not moved by any of their arguments, and they're not moved by any of mine. I think this way of approaching "the truth" is like seeing trees instead of a forest. My belief is that we know so much more than we ever did and our understanding of things once believed the sole province of God has expanded so much, that the room for first century thinking, despite it's longevity, is past.

I'll go to session three, "Why Did Jesus Die", even though a big part of me thinks "doesn't everybody?".

Travel Cartel update

I've started the serious business of trying to get as many travel miles as possible while spending as little travel-related cash as possible. I took another look at the Alaska Airlines credit card deal, and they want $45 or $75 (premium card) for a year. I think I'll wait a bit to see what Chris has up his sleeve ... I know he's talked in the past about deals with lots of miles and a fee-free card (sometimes for just a year - but I have a calendar so I can make sure I cancel the card when a year is up). There's also all kinds of promotions to look in to.

I've dug out all my old travel numbers from years past (when I traveled a lot), and now need to check whether they're still all active and relevant; I have Air Canada, Alaska Airlines, American Airlines, Avis, Budget, Delta Airlines, Hertz, Hyatt Hotels, Marriott Hotels, Ramada Hotels, United Airlines, and US Airways to check in to.....

The Grand Experiment - Third Attempt

I know that I'm tired of going on and on about the lorazepam (Ativan) debacle - I know you are too. Last night was my third attempt at trying to wean down to .25mg of the stuff. The strategy I'm using this time is to alternate .5mg - .25mg for two weeks, then go down to .25mg for two weeks, then alternate .25mg - 0mg for two more weeks. Theoretically, that means I should be off the stuff in six weeks time.

The two previous attempts were scuttled by (first time) Mike's death - I just couldn't focus on weaning off the drugs when such a close friend was dying, and (second time) the huge physical effect going from .5mg to .25mg had on me (cutting the dose in half, even though the amount wasn't very much at all). I ended up being wide awake all night, and had to go back to the doctor for some advice about it - eventually starting me back at 1.5mg of lorazepam and 30mg of mirtazapine (don't you just love the way I bandy about the names of these drugs - quite sad).

Over the last several months, I have begun the taper of both drugs again. I'm now down to a stable dose of .5mg lorazepam and I take about 5mg of mirtazapine every third night (a little more than half of 1/8 of a 30mg pill - it becomes real guesswork to figure out how much you actually take). I don't think the lorazepam does anything at all to affect my sleep, but I sure can tell when I wean down to small doses of the stuff. Interestingly, all the reports about coming off this drug say the same thing - weaning goes uneventful until you get to the small doses - then the rebound affects (sleeplessness) really make themselves apparent.

As I said, I'm sure you're sick of hearing me go on and on about this stuff, but I find it cathartic to write down just where I am. Maybe years from now I can look back on this and say how stupid I was to give in to medicine and start taking the drug(s) - it's been over a year, ten months of which have been trying to wean off.