Proper Cruise-ship Etiquette

As I'm a huge hypocrite for constantly saying I'll never travel on another cruise-ship  but continue to do so, I have collected these tips on proper etiquette. I thought they might find use if you should ever find yourself on a floating hotel....

• If you ever have to travel either one deck up or one deck down, it's prudent to wait patiently for the elevator for the five or ten minutes, instead of expending the three calories it would take to move your butt on the stairs,
• Since you've already paid for the food, it's best to take at least twice as much as you could possibly eat, and leave half of it on your plate when you pull away from the table.
• If you eat in the dining room instead of the buffet, it's considered proper manners to order two of everything - two appetizers, two main courses, and a minimum of two desserts. Again, don't eat most of it.
• Even if you don't even walk around the block at home, you should take up fitness on the walking track, the stair-master, or a stationary bike while on the ship. Everyone will be impressed with your 225lb body on a 5'6" frame. They can tell at a glance that you are a jock.
• Wear spandex whenever you can. It looks extra good when you're on that exercise bike. 
• All women, especially those over 50, should wear a bikini. Men over 50 are required to wear a Speedo.
• Travelling by cruise ship is all about one thing - shopping. Shopping needs to be your priority in every stop, so you can tell everyone at home how wonderful the port-of-call was. 
• Whether you're shopping or touring (when the stores are closed), it's important to travel as a group. The larger the group, the better. Optimal group size is 400.
• If an ignorant local person doesn't understand what you're saying, just say it louder. Maybe say it slower, but definitely louder. People that don't understand English just haven't heard you speak it.
• The staff that work on the ship need to be given outlandish, extravagant, mean-spirited instruction from you on what you'd like done. They're all overpaid anyway. They prefer to be called "boy".

I've probably missed several other tips on cruise ship survival, but it should get you to thinking...