Bladder cancer will likely kill me. There, I said it.We go around in circles not talking about it, but everyone who's read these pages knows the quick progression of this disease, and the revised odds of defeating it (about 25%).
I hope this is beatable, and I am doing everything possible to win this battle. But in life it is always better to hope for the best and plan for the worst. I think a major part of planning for the worst is admitting what the worst really is.
The family has asked me several times whether I want to seek out counselling, and I've declined. Maybe it's my stubbornness, or maybe it's hubris, but I don't really think I want or need it.
Just as with my stroke, "it is what it is". Getting to acceptance is something I've always been good at - any of you that know me have to give me credit for that. I consider myself a realist and a pragmatist, so why should this situation be any different?
For those of you who believe in (a) god, please know that I don't. Never have, never will - so please don't ask me to start.
So what do I do?
I want to talk openly about it. I don't want it to be off limits. I want to plan. You all know how I crave a good plan. Maybe my epitaph should read "He was organized".
It's still very early days with the diagnosis and my immunotherapy hasn't even started, but I want to write down these few words to let you all know where my head is at.
PS: One of the kind gifts the stoke left me with is something called the pseudobulbar affect (emotional lability). So when you see me have a burst of crying, please understand that I really do want to control this emotion, but I can't (ask Laura).
PPS: I think writing this blog is my therapy.
1 comment:
Doug, this is tough stuff. I read that writing builds resilience by allowing us to process, release and make meaning of complex emotions; sounds like a good choice for therapy.
We’ve known each other and been friends for many years. I’ve known you to be pragmatic in your approach. I’ve known you to do your best while being prepared for whatever happens. While it’s tough coming up with my own words, I found something written by Vickie M. Worsham:
“It’s not having everything go right;
It’s facing whatever goes wrong.
It’s not being without fear;
It’s having the determination to go on in spite of it.
Remember that every day ends and brings a new tomorrow.
Love what you do, do the best you can, and always remember how much you are loved.”
Steve
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